Thursday, March 17, 2011

No BABIES for me???

I actually wrote this blog awhile ago, but has been hard to press publish because it is such a sensitive subject in my life at this time.  Some friends thought it would be good for me to blog about it to get my message out there.  I hope this isn’t too depressing but it was something I wanted to share just in case someone else is going through this…to know that you are not alone.
This coming up July, I will be married 6 amazing years!  For those who know my husband, he is the best.  I cannot say enough about him.  We have known each other since middle school and we are totally opposite from each other.  I am crazy, LOUD, unpredictable and sometimes a straight looney bin!  My husband is quiet, gentle, stable and grounded.  But we somehow balance each other out.
About 3 years ago we decided that it was time to start trying to have babies.  We probably tried for a straight year before we contacted the infertility doctor.  I already knew before going to the doctor that I had Endometriosis, a disease which the presence of tissue that normally grows inside the uterus (womb) in an abnormal anatomical location. Endometriosis is very common and it may lead to painful menstruation. It has also been associated with infertility.  I have heard many stories and have known friends who have it and have gotten pregnant. 
We had the idea that going to an infertility doctor would just magically get us pregnant.  I mean they have all the technology in the world, all they had to do is just figure out what was wrong, fix it and that was that.  Boy was I wrong!  It has been 2 years now and I still do not have a baby. 
I have done all the shots and pills and I even tried acupuncture.  The shots are the worst!  Day after day of putting these shots into your stomach your skin starts to build scar tissue which then results in bruises and more pain after each needle.  And then all of the emotions and financial issues that are thrown into the mix.  We took out all my retirement and went through all our savings.  The last IUI we did I really felt that I was pregnant (an IUI is a procedure in which a fine catheter (tube) is inserted through the cervix (the natural opening of the uterus) into the uterus (the womb) to deposit a sperm sample directly into the uterus).  My heart was telling me YES and I was even having symptoms that you get in the beginning of a pregnancy.  When you do an IUI, you have to wait 2 weeks for the results.  And during those 2 weeks, you have to act like you’re pregnant.  No drinking, stay away from certain foods, no coffee…just as if you were baking a baby in the oven.  We went in the morning after the 2 weeks and had the tests done and I literally went home and sat on the couch waiting for the phone to ring.  I was so sure it was YES.  When the phone finally rang, my husband answered and I could tell right away from his voice that the answer I was waiting for, was no.  NO???  I didn’t understand! 
While this was happening, it seemed like one after another all of my friends and family were getting pregnant.  It was starting to seem like torture.  Why was this happening to me?  I started to go into a deep depression and I would never leave my house.  I sat on the couch for hours without doing anything.  Finally, my very understanding husband had to snap me back to life. 
This was actually the time I started researching on how to become a makeup artist.  I needed to refocus my direction back onto what I loved!  MAKEUP!  And I have done a good job at that.  I have put a lot of time and energy into starting to build my career.  And I love it…it brought me back to life. 
But as time went by, I couldn’t ignore that tugging in the back of my heart, that I still want to be a mom.  And I want nothing in this world MORE than to give my husband kids.  That sentence right there makes me cry.  I love him so much that it kills me daily that I cannot give him what he wants.  He has been such a support through all of this and has been so understanding…any other guy would have been out the door after what the drugs did to me.  My hormones went through the roof!
I know people do not understand what I am going through and I do not expect anyone to understand.  I understand that people get nervous to ask me questions because they don’t want to upset me. And when someone tells me they are pregnant, I am honestly so happy for them, being able to have babies is such a blessing.  I’m not going to lie, some days are harder than others.  Some days I still cry not understanding why this is happening to me.  Right now I am so angry at God.   I constantly ask why did He build me this way and why is this a struggle for us? 
It is hard because there is no one I know in my circle that is going through this, so it can be very lonely.  No one to talk to or to understand what is going on inside me.  I did know a few people, but they all got pregnant and now have beautiful, healthy babies, which I have such a joy in my heart for them.  I was just reading through my Tweets and someone tweeted…When you are down to NOTHING…God’s up to SOMETHING.  I want to believe that and I know I have to believe it.  But right now I feel like my HOPE and FAITH are failing me.
We still have some options ahead of us once we raise the funds.  Adoption.  Another IVF.  Who knows? 
AND I love all the babies in my life right now who are not mine.  I have two amazing baby nephews…well one of them just turned 1, so he is now a little man!  My friend’s babies, even though we are not blood, I still feel like I am their Aunt and I would do anything for them. 
I have my close circle of family and friends to thank for sticking by me even though it is hard to comprehend what my husband and I have gone through, you know who you are.  Thank you for letting me vent and cry when I am having a bad day and THANK YOU for sharing your babies with me!  Spending time with them and seeing their smiling faces always makes my day!
I hope that one day I can send out a blog that we are expecting and that my prayers have come true.  And to my husband, you are the best…I know God brought us together for a reason. I know He has a plan even though there are days that I have a hard time believing that.  I love you so much!
And to anyone going through this, it is probably the hardest struggle to comprehend because there are really no answers.  Tons of questions and no answers.  But do know that I do understand and I feel your heartache.  And if you ever need to talk, please email me! 


makeupaddict101 said...

Oh girl my heart is with you. I don't know if you are religious but I am and I will pray for you. The lord is powerful and I know you will have a baby no matter what! <3

RebeccaSchuhMakeupArtistry said...

Anna, you are so brave to share your story! Also amazing, and inspiring! Love and hugs from Southern Oregon! XOXO!

Margara said...

We talked at the glaminar about this, I always think of you, God does have a baby for you, whether you are meant to adopt or carry your own, You will be a momma, and an amazing one. I admire you so much, thank you for sharing. I admire your strength and courage.
Love you!!!!