Tuesday, October 25, 2011

IVF, Miscarriage and Moving On...

Last March, I wrote a blog called “No Babies for ME?.” http://annastinamakeupartist.blogspot.com/2011/03/no-babies-for-me.html 
It was probably the toughest blog that I have written to this day.  I have been going back and forth whether to write this blog and if I do…what direction do I want to take it.  “No Babies for ME?” was about my journey of having a baby…the complications my husband and I have had and trying to deal with it emotionally and physically. 
The reason I have been so quite lately and have not been blogging is because I started the IVF process.  In Vitro Fertilization is commonly referred to as IVF. IVF is the process of fertilization by manually combining an egg and sperm in a laboratory dish. When the IVF procedure is successful, the process is combined with a procedure known as embryo transfer, which is used to physically place the embryo in the uterus.  http://www.americanpregnancy.org/infertility/ivf.html
I have done the IUI process (Google IUI for more information) before, but never the IVF process, so I wasn’t sure what to expect.  We decided that we were not going to tell anyone that I was going through this process, the only people who knew were my parents and a very few close friends.  The reason we kept it so quite was because we had no clue what we were about to experience and the first thing people ask are questions…questions that I didn’t have answers to. 
I am not going to go into the whole IVF process because it was a month long.  To give you an idea what an IVF patient has to deal with…here is what I went through…3 shots a day in my stomach, one large needle in my hip every other day, bottles of oral meds, daily blood draws and internal ultrasounds, my ovaries getting so big they felt like they wanted to explode, extremely nauseous, tender breasts, insomnia, bladder infections and just being an emotional mess and crying all the time.  If there is someone out there who is going through the process or about to and wants to talk about it, please feel free to email me.  I know I wish I had someone that I could have spoken with beforehand to know what I was getting myself into.  I didn’t have the best experience, but I know it wasn’t the worst either from other stories I have heard of.
So I am going to fast forward a month to the day we found out the results.  My husband and I have been trying for 4 years now to get pregnant, so this day was extremely nerve racking.  We had to go in 8am to get the blood draw and had to wait till 3:30 that afternoon to get the results.  At first the results weren’t great…it was positive but according to the doctors, not a very strong positive.  For another week we had to go into the doctors for more blood draws and finally after a few days we got the call that I had a strong pregnancy reading!  We were so excited…it actually felt very surreal.  I guess for 4 years always hearing no, finally getting a yes doesn’t seem real. 
We had to continue going to the doctor’s to monitor the HCG numbers.  For awhile it was going great…the numbers were going up and everything was looking good.  I don’t remember the day exactly but I went back to the clinic and I remember being really happy and feeling calm.  They took my blood like usual and I went home to wait for the results…again like every other time.  When I got the call I was feeling very positive, but when I answered I could tell the nurse was not happy.  My numbers had gone down.  The nurse was trying to remain hopeful but finally I asked her to be straight with me and I asked “Am I going to miscarry?” and her answer was “Yes.”
This was about one week ago.  The miscarriage happened pretty fast as I am still going through it.  I am very blessed that it happened early, since I know that there our women out there who miscarry later on.  Luckily, I knew it was coming so I could prepare myself for the physical pain.  What I am having a hard time with is the emotional pain.  I have a support system around me, but inside I do not know how to deal with it.  How am I suppose to grieve?  Move on when I still feel physical pain? 
I have already cried for myself, but I think the part I am having a really hard time getting over is that I was so excited to FINALLY give my husband a child, my mom another grandbaby, and my sister in law a niece/nephew.  I feel that if I cannot provide a child, am I good enough on my own?  What if we never have kids…am I enough?
I am in my early 30's, I know that I am not old, but I am not getting any younger either.  And I know that I need another year or two to get over this IVF process because it was very traumatizing, it was a year and a half ago that we did the last IUI.  This IVF made the IUI look like taking candy from a baby! J
And the financial part is not easy either.  To do another IVF or even adopt would be another $10,000.  We had to be creative to find the money to do this IVF.
Another reason I feel blessed is through all this pain, I am not angry at God.  On my good days, I still believe everything happens for a reason, but every now and then I have a bad day.  And on those days, I am not angry, just sad.  I was so close to having something that I have desired for so long and it was taken away very quickly.  These are the days I am struggling with…which I guess is normal right?  Again I have heard stories where women have really suffered and being through more pain than I have.  And if this pregnancy was not suppose to last, then I am happy it ended quickly.  And maybe if I got pregnant naturally and I miscarried early, it wouldn’t of been such a big deal.  But adding the IVF to all of this, you just ask yourself “why does it have to be so tough?” 
I am hoping by writing this that someone out there understands what I have been through or sees that they are not going through this alone.  I also hope that this helps me grieve somehow…that I can move on and keep creating my future with my husband.  That no matter what challenges we face, that we have each other along with our friends and family.
Again if this is something you have gone through, I would love to hear your story.  I always heal by hearing other people’s stories and how they got through tough times.
Hugs…
Annastina

4 comments:

Anonymous said...

I wanted to thank you for your transparency, I pray that God would overwhelm you with reminders of His love for you through this process.
My husband and I have too been going though fertility problems, he is in denial we have any problems and I can't talk to him about how sad and inadequate it makes me feel. It is hard to feel so alone, even from him, my best friend.
I don't wish infertility on anyone, but when someone else shares that they are going through it too, it makes me feel less empty because I am not alone.

TS said...

Annastina - My husband and I were friends with James back at CWU. Anyways, I just wanted to say I'm so sorry for what you're going through. While I am VERY blessed with two kids, right before I got pregnant with my youngest I suffered a very early miscarriage. Even though it was very early on in the pregnancy it was nearly as devastating for me as the death of one of our close friends in a car accident several years ago. So I know part of what you're going through and I'm so sorry. We have friends who were on fertility drugs, etc (I'm not sure the extent to what they did), but within a few months of basically giving up, they got pregnant naturally... I will pray for you guys - that the Lord blesses you with the desires of your heart.

irishtwinsmommababybook said...

Lots of love, prayers and hugs for you, James and the rest of the family.

Rachelle L. said...

Anna,

Thank you for sharing your difficult journey with us, your friends who love you and care about what you are going through. You are a strong woman who is an inspiration to all of us. And you are enough, you were fearfully and wonderfully made!
I don't know the right words to say, or if there are even "right" words to say. I do know that my heart hurts for you and James right now with everything you both have gone through the past 4 years and more recently the last month. I also have no doubt in my mind that one day God is going to bless you beyond measure when he chooses the two of you to care for one of his children. Whether that be a biological blessing or not, one day you will find your heart full of immeasurable love and his timing will be perfect. In the mean time I will be praying for peace, patience and emotional healing for both of you.